Cabinet Room 

“I’m reminded, Humphrey, of Gulliver’s travels where the great man was dragged down by the Lilliputians. They were preoccupied by trivia, the cost of living and eleven thousand died because they refused to open their breakfast eggs at the bigger end. Look at us now, Putin may be creating WWIII and yet Parliament is besotted by drinks in my back garden and bullying MPs. At least Cabinet Ministers were practising their shooting as WWI emerged, albeit at grouse.” 

“Are you suggesting, Prime Minister, that you should re-focus public attention on bigger issues, perhaps it is time for a bold initiative?” 

“It certainly is, Humphrey. We have a lot to learn from Comrade Vladimir Vladimirovitch Putin. Whenever he is in trouble at home, he rattles his sabres.” 

“Unfortunately, Prime Minister our sabres are not what they were. Not many countries are impressed by them. The French think our gunboats are a joke, the Russians think our submarines are there to help them find their way around the Atlantic and the Chinese think our new aircraft carrier is just the thing for target practice as they cannot be sure of hitting anything smaller.” 

“All true, Humphrey, but it’s a matter of scale. Comrade Putin reduced the size of the Ukraine by picking off the Crimea and neutralising the eastern bit. It’s now bite sized and he can credibly absorb it. Greater Russia, that’s the game and NATO has provided a rationale for any action he may choose to take. He’s provided the blueprint: We’ve done Brexit, for a Greater UK.” 

“You would need better justification than Mr Putin’s. The Ukraine only said they might join NATO. It’s hypothetical.” 

“In geo-politics, that’s excuse enough. I’m thinking that adding Norway would make Great Britain an even Greater Britain.” 

“Norway?” 

“Russia has a 196 kilometre border with Norway, not counting the 23 kilometre marine border. He may well, after he’s knocked off Ukraine, regard Norway as a serious threat. It is the only NATO country that borders Russia so it must be on his list. I think we should take it over now ourselves. He might invade Norway as it is but once it becomes part of Greater Britain, he wouldn’t dream of it.” 

“Prime Minister, I’m sorry to nit-pick but Estonia and Latvia border Russia proper. Lithuania  and Poland only border Russia’s exclave of Kaliningrad Oblast which is nowhere near the rest of Russia – an issue that will not have escaped Mr Putin, Anyway, doesn’t the NATO treaty prohibit attacking other NATO members.” 

“In the first place, Humphrey, we would not be attacking Norway, just providing protection. Secondly, the treaty requires members to support each other if attacked by non-NATO-members but says nothing about one NATO member coming under the protection of another. We would simply be acting to ‘maintain the security of the North Atlantic area.’ (Article 5)”

“That would certainly be a bold initiative, Prime Minister, and without question you would recapture the media headlines. The Russians, we are told, have Mr Yevhen Murayev lined up to be Ukraine’s President when they take over. Do you have anyone in mind?” 

“Yes. Jacob Rees-Mogg and his extensive family should fit Norway well and I’d consider Oslo an acceptable distance for him.” 

“Do I detect a commercial interest here too?”  

“You certainly do, Humphrey. Previous governments cocked up our supplies of oil and gas. We used to be self-sufficient. Back in 2003, we supplied ourselves with nearly four times as much gas as we do now. Then governments got all excited about global warming, carbon neutrality and all that and discouraged digging for the stuff. Guess what happened? Global shortage, prices rocket up and our poor benighted citizens have to choose between heating and eating. Nothing to do with us, of course, it’s global markets.” 

“I can see where you are going, Prime Minister. Norway has masses of energy, notably oil and natural gas, and not many people. It is our main supplier now at horrendous cost to our economy, not to mention widening the poverty gap.” 

“You’ve got it, Humphrey. We used to be all one country, more or less: Vikings all over the north and the Orkneys and Shetlands were part of Norway. And we are not just talking energy. The North Sea fishing would virtually become all ours. The EU wouldn’t want to take us both on. The Republic of Ireland might even want to join and that would take care of the Northern Ireland Protocol problem.” 

“That’s brilliant, Prime Minister. One bold initiative and the next election is all yours.”