Revisions

Following the Office for National Statistics’ revision of GDP figures by 1.7% today, we thought it would be important to illustrate this precedent through satirical historical examples and the damage such sloppiness could cause.

1. Edward Gibbon revised his figures to find that the Roman Empire did not in fact collapse, but instead expanded its border size by 2%, in the year that it was alleged to have fallen.

2. It has been found that Vladimir Lenin celebrated prematurely at the fall of the Tzar and the rise of the Soviet Union by around 2 years, according to new revisions by historians.

3. The great Khan, Genghis, has been found to have saved 100,000,000 lives, rather than prematurely ending them, as statisticians had confused the + and - signs in their calculations.

4. New research by Historic England has found that Henry VIII had more wives than previously thought, which could result in a serious change in the way the Church of England functions.

5. Abraham Wald’s Bullet Hole Problem, according to new estimates, has been found to be misplaced. Armour was incorrectly applied to airplanes, leading an increase of 2% of casualties.

6. The number of Popes has been revised by the Vatican. The Great Western Schism has been corrected to the Somewhat Discord, reducing the number of overall number of pontiffs.

7. Protestants are in shock, as Martin Luther’s 99 Theses has been revised to 97, fundamentally shaking the Western Order and theology as clerics and theologians know it. Indulgences are back on the table for the Church of England, plugging their fiscal gaps.

8. Famous rapper Jay-Z has miscalculated how many problems he has, sending shockwaves through the charts.

9. After new documents came to light, the 1922 Committee has discovered that it was founded in 1925, undermining a great deal of its power.

10. The number of Disciples has reduced by 1, following a late night meeting of the ONS (the Office of Nazarene Studies).

The revisions by the (actual) ONS are, of course, welcome news for all of us. However, this is a severe blow in confidence in the machinery of government - hopefully the ONS can take more accountability for its statistics, given how much they influence day-to-day government decision making.