Updating the woke M&Ms

M&Ms cartoon characters are being updated to “commit to gender-balanced leadership teams and an independent 'annual diversity audit' of the company's advertising.” However, their attempt to have their characters reflective of the modern assertive and diverse world will undoubtedly be criticized by some for failing to accord with the woke world as it actually is.

Surely there should be one holding duct tape to silence the unacceptable views of characters it disagrees with? And a no-platforming M&M should be equipped with a small saw to cut platform shoes down to size. Other characters should have ropes and sledgehammers to cut down statues of M&Ms associated with the cocoa and chocolate trade that was the product of colonialism.

And no set of candies would be complete without one eagerly holding out an empty sack for taxpayers to supply them with free goodies. Critics will say M&M have at least made a start, but must go much further.