Allow us just to translate this particular report for you

There is, often enough, a certain difference between what is said and what is meant. That leads to there being a value in a translation, from the words used to the underlying meaning:

Middle-class problem drinkers who have turned to alcohol in lockdown are missing out on help because health services “are not designed for them,” says the president of the Royal College of Psychiatrists.

Leader of trade union for professionals wants to explain what we, the nation, can do for the members of his profession.

Dame Carol Black’s report is a rare opportunity to overhaul addiction services. It must commit to properly funding services by reversing the cuts and investing £374million into adult services over the coming years.

Give us lots of money.

Addiction services were taken out of the NHS and given to local authorities where contracts are re-tendered every three years. This creates a race to the bottom with contracts going to the cheapest bidder at the expense of specialist staff and training places.

Stop that silly nonsense of asking “How much?” and just hand it over. Don’t you know it’s uncouth to ask professionals to account for what is spent and how?

For many years, addiction services have borne the brunt of swinging cuts with funding slashed by over 25 per cent since the Health and Social Care Act was implemented in 2013.

You’ve all been entirely beastly for years now, not giving us enough of your cash.

The justification is that some of you have been having a second gin and tonic during lockdown. No, really:

But the reality is that alcohol dependence is rife in our warm and comfortable houses. It’s seen at the dinner table when that second bottle of wine is uncorked or when another large gin and tonic is poured, all done under the guise of socially acceptable drinking.

We will decide what is socially acceptable, thank you very much, because we’re the professionals here. And don’t be absurd and claim that mere members of society get to do that - what do you think this is, a liberal polity?

Now that we have that accurate translation we must all consider our reaction to the plan, the demand. We suspect that the correct one involves an Anglo Saxon Wave or two, somewhere in it…..